Questions I’m Frequently Asked As A Couples Therapist

After years of sitting with couples, I can tell you that no two relationships are exactly alike, and yet the same questions come up again and again. Is what we’re going through normal? Can we actually fix this? Why do we keep having the same fight? Can attraction come back? Will I ever trust my partner again? How do I know if I should stay? Sometimes I hear them in a consultation, sometimes several weeks into therapy once partners feel safe enough to say what’s really going on, and sometimes one partner has quietly wondered for years before finally saying it out loud.

So I wanted to answer the ones I hear most, the way I’d talk with you in my office. These answers aren’t a substitute for couples therapy, and context always matters, but I hope they help you make sense of what might be happening between you and your partner and give you a place to begin.

I provide couples therapy in person in Los Angeles, with telehealth for clients in California, New York, Texas, and Florida. My work is primarily informed by Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method, along with Relational Life Therapy (RLT), with a focus on attachment, communication, emotional safety, trust, and intimacy.

Starting Couples Therapy

How Do I Know If We Actually Need Couples Therapy?

You don’t have to be on the verge of breaking up to benefit from couples therapy, and I often wish couples came in sooner, before years of resentment pile up. It’s usually time if you keep having the same arguments without resolving them, feel emotionally disconnected, have stopped being physically or sexually intimate, or are struggling to trust each other. Sometimes there’s no big drama at all: you love each other but feel more like roommates, co-parents, or business partners than romantic partners. My rule of thumb is that if something in your relationship keeps hurting one or both of you and your own attempts to fix it aren’t working, that’s already reason enough to get some help.

Should We Go To Couples Therapy Before Things Get Really Bad?

Yes, and honestly, it’s one of the best times to come! Couples therapy isn’t only for relationships that are falling apart. It can be preventative, especially if communication is getting harder, intimacy is dipping, or a stressful season (kids, work, family, finances, a big move) is starting to affect how you relate. You wouldn’t wait for a small leak to become a structural problem in your house, and relationships aren’t that different. A few changes in how you communicate, repair after conflict, and respond to each other emotionally can make a big difference before things reach a crisis.

What If My Partner Doesn’t Want To Come To Couples Therapy?

This is very common. Often one partner has been thinking about therapy for months while the other feels blindsided, and worries that the therapist will take sides, that therapy means the relationship is failing, or that they’ll spend an hour a week hearing everything they do wrong. I’d start by sharing what you want from therapy instead of presenting it as proof that your partner is the problem. There’s a big difference between “You need therapy because you never listen to me” and “I love you, and I don’t like how disconnected we’ve become. I’d really like us to get some help with this together.” Couples therapy works best when both people participate, but you don’t have to arrive equally enthusiastic, and reluctant partners often engage once they see the goal is understanding the relationship, not assigning blame.

Can Couples Therapy Work If Only One Of Us Wants To Change?

Meaningful couples therapy eventually needs both partners, because one person can’t build a healthy relationship for two. That said, one person’s changes can shift the whole dynamic, since relationships run on patterns. When you change how you respond to criticism, withdrawal, anger, or conflict, the familiar pattern between you often changes too. There are limits, though. If a partner refuses to take any responsibility, keeps violating agreed-upon boundaries, or is continuing an affair, the work looks very different, and we’d focus on what’s within your control and what you can realistically expect. Couples therapy also isn’t the right setting when there’s ongoing abuse or when either partner is afraid of the other. In that case, safety comes first.

How Long Does Couples Therapy Usually Take?

It depends, and I know that’s not the answer you’re hoping for! A couple working on one specific communication issue may need much less time than a couple recovering from an affair, years of resentment, repeated separations, or a longstanding loss of intimacy. EFT is structured to take somewhere between 8 and 20 sessions, though couples dealing with betrayal or long-standing patterns often need longer. I usually begin with weekly sessions because consistency builds momentum, and we can space them out as things improve. I don’t believe couples should stay in weekly therapy indefinitely just because it’s become routine. Therapy should have goals, and we’ll check in regularly about what’s changed, what still needs attention, and whether you’re getting better at handling hard moments without me.

How Do I Know If Couples Therapy Is Actually Working?

Couples therapy is working when changes start happening not just in my office but between sessions. Arguments may not escalate as quickly, you may recover from conflict sooner, and you may get better at telling your partner what you actually feel instead of criticizing or withdrawing. You might feel more affectionate or curious again, sex may feel less pressured, resentment may soften, and you may catch yourself interpreting your partner’s behavior less negatively. Progress doesn’t mean you never argue again, and some couples actually become more open about hard things as therapy goes on, which can make the relationship feel more emotionally active for a while. What I look for is whether you’re developing better ways to understand each other, repair hurt, express needs, set boundaries, and reconnect without needing me to manage every tough conversation.

Do You Meet With Each Partner Individually, And What About Secrets?

Sometimes. Meeting with each of you on your own can help me understand your histories and what you each hope for. I don’t hold secrets that would work against the couple therapy, and I’ll walk you through exactly how this works before we start.

Communication And Conflict

Why Do We Keep Having The Same Fight Over And Over?

Ahh, probably the question I hear most! When couples keep having the same argument, it’s usually not really about what they think they’re fighting about. The dishwasher may be about feeling unappreciated, being late may be about whether your time matters, and being on the phone may be about whether you’re still important to your partner. That’s why I use Emotionally Focused Therapy with couples: it helps us get underneath the content of the fight to what it means emotionally. Once couples see the deeper issue, the conversation changes. Instead of arguing about the dishes for the hundredth time, one partner can say, “When I feel like I’m carrying everything alone, I start to feel like I don’t matter to you.” That’s a very different conversation!

Why Does My Partner Shut Down Whenever I Try To Talk About Our Relationship?

What looks like not caring is often feeling overwhelmed. When a relationship is in distress, some people pursue: they want answers, reassurance, and resolution. Others withdraw by going quiet, leaving the room, or saying they can’t talk anymore. The more one partner pushes for connection, the more overwhelmed the other feels, and the more the other pulls away, the more anxious and frustrated the pursuer becomes. Neither person means to create this pattern, but both get trapped inside it. (I write more about this in understanding the pursue-withdraw cycle.) In therapy, we identify the cycle and slow it down, so the withdrawing partner can stay present without feeling flooded and the pursuing partner can express what they need in a way that makes connection more likely. It’s not about deciding whose style is right.

Why Am I Always The One Trying To Fix The Relationship?

Being the one who starts the conversations, plans the dates, suggests therapy, and repairs the arguments gets exhausting, and it’s easy to end up thinking, If I stop trying, nothing will happen. Sometimes there’s a real imbalance in effort that needs to be addressed. Other times partners show commitment differently: one may start the conversations while the other shows care through practical responsibilities, physical affection, or staying in the relationship through hard stretches. So beyond who’s trying harder? I’m curious whether both of you feel invested and whether each of you can actually see how the other is trying. And if one partner truly has stopped participating, we need to talk honestly about that too, because couples therapy shouldn’t become helping one person work harder to make up for someone who has emotionally left.

Is Fighting Normal In A Healthy Relationship?

Yes, healthy couples disagree! Two people with different histories, personalities, families, and needs are going to clash sometimes, so the goal isn’t to eliminate conflict. What matters much more is how you disagree. Can you stay respectful, hear each other, take a break without using withdrawal as punishment, own it when you’ve hurt your partner, and repair afterward? Some couples rarely raise their voices but carry years of quiet resentment, while others argue openly but repair quickly and stay close. I’m usually less interested in whether a couple fights and more interested in what happens between them during and after.

Why Does Every Small Issue Turn Into A Huge Argument?

When a relationship already holds unresolved hurt, very little feels small. A comment about dinner becomes feeling criticized, a forgotten errand becomes proof you can’t be relied on, and a disagreement about plans becomes a conversation about whose needs always come first. Accumulated resentment loads today’s event with the weight of everything that came before it, which is why solving the practical problem often doesn’t work. We need to understand what the issue represents emotionally and address some of what’s underneath. When partners start to feel more understood and secure, small problems can go back to being small problems.

How Do We Get Rid Of Resentment In A Relationship?

Resentment usually builds when hurt goes unresolved for too long: you asked for something and felt ignored, you made sacrifices that went unappreciated, or apologies were offered but nothing changed. Telling yourself to let it go rarely works. I want to understand what the resentment is protecting. Is there grief underneath it, or anger, or feeling taken for granted, or a belief that your partner won’t show up differently? Then we work on repair, which might mean acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility, setting new boundaries, changing behavior, or finally letting a partner express hurt that was dismissed before. Letting go gets much easier once people feel that what happened has actually been understood.

Emotional Connection And Attraction

Can We Fall Back In Love With Each Other?

Yes, and I’ve seen it happen many times. Many people assume that if they don’t feel the way they did at the beginning, the love must be gone, but love naturally changes over time. The intensity and novelty of early attraction are hard to sustain once careers, kids, bills, aging parents, and health concerns show up. Emotional closeness can absolutely return, though, and I’ve worked with couples who came in feeling like strangers and later described being closer than they’d been in years. It takes more than date nights. We need to understand what created the distance in the first place and help both of you feel seen, valued, safe, and wanted again.

What If We Feel More Like Roommates Than A Couple?

This is extremely common, especially in long-term relationships. You may function beautifully as a team, running the house, raising kids, paying bills, and coordinating schedules, and from the outside everything looks fine, yet something feels missing. Most conversations are about logistics, affection has faded, sex has disappeared, and curiosity about each other is gone. That doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is over. More often, a couple has become so good at running their life together that they’ve unintentionally neglected the relationship itself. Therapy can help you turn toward each other again, not just as co-parents or household managers but as two people who once chose each other.

Can Attraction Come Back In A Long-Term Relationship?

Yes, though it helps to know that attraction depends on far more than physical appearance. Resentment, emotional distance, repeated rejection, unresolved conflict, boredom, feeling unseen, and carrying too much of the load can all dampen sexual and romantic attraction. People sometimes panic when attraction fades and conclude they’re with the wrong person, and I’d want to understand what’s happened around the attraction before landing there. Do you feel emotionally close? Do you admire your partner? Is there affection, or unresolved anger? Has sex become tied to pressure or rejection? Attraction often grows again when the relationship around it starts to change.

Is It Normal To Love My Partner But Not Feel Emotionally Close To Them?

Yes, and it’s more common than people think. Love and emotional closeness are related, but they’re not the same thing. You can love someone deeply, care about their well-being, share a long history, and still feel lonely because they no longer really know you. Emotional intimacy needs ongoing attention: chances to share what you’re thinking and feeling and to experience your partner as interested, responsive, and available. When those experiences disappear for long stretches, couples can feel disconnected even while the love remains. That’s one reason therapy can help so much. We’re often not creating love from scratch but helping two people find their way back to a connection that’s still there and has become hard to reach.

How Do We Become Emotionally Close Again?

I usually start by helping couples get curious about each other again. Long-term partners often assume they already know what the other thinks, feels, wants, or will say, and they stop asking. Closeness grows when you feel your inner world matters to your partner, which means conversations that go beyond logistics, sharing fears, hopes, disappointments, and affection, and learning to respond to a vulnerable moment without defending yourself or rushing to fix it. In EFT, we spend a lot of time helping partners find and express the softer emotions underneath their usual reactions: anger may be covering fear, criticism may be covering loneliness, and withdrawal may be covering a belief that nothing you do will ever be good enough. When couples start to hear those deeper messages, connection can change dramatically.

Sex And Physical Intimacy

What If One Of Us Wants Sex Much More Often Than The Other?

Differences in desire are extremely common in long-term relationships. The trouble usually comes from what couples start to make them mean. The higher-desire partner may feel rejected and wonder if they’re still wanted, while the lower-desire partner may start to feel that sex is an obligation and feel pressured. Now both people feel bad, and sex becomes emotionally loaded. The answer is rarely convincing one person to want more or telling the other to want less. Instead, we look at what affects desire for each of you and the patterns around initiation, rejection, affection, stress, and connection. It’s also worth knowing that many people experience desire that’s responsive rather than spontaneous, meaning it shows up after closeness has already begun. When the pressure drops and you both feel understood, there’s usually much more room for genuine desire to return.

Does A Lack Of Sex Mean Our Relationship Is In Trouble?

Not necessarily. Couples vary tremendously, and there’s no magic number that tells me whether a relationship is healthy. What I care about is whether one or both of you are unhappy. If neither of you is particularly interested in sex and you’re both content, there may be no problem at all. If one of you feels rejected, unwanted, lonely, or pressured, it’s worth exploring. Sometimes lower intimacy reflects relationship problems, and sometimes it’s tied to stress, health, medication, hormones, parenting, exhaustion, body image, or trauma, so checking in with a medical provider can be a helpful part of the picture. The goal isn’t to compare yourselves to anyone else, but to understand whether your sexual relationship works for the two of you.

Can Couples Therapy Help With Sexual Intimacy?

Yes! Sex rarely exists separately from the rest of the relationship. Feeling disconnected, criticized, pressured, resentful, or repeatedly rejected can have a big impact on physical intimacy, so in couples therapy we look at the relationship around sex instead of treating it as a performance problem. How do you initiate? What happens when one of you says no? Can you talk about what you like? Does affection always feel like it’s leading to sex? Often the most helpful thing we can do is build more emotional safety and make talking about sex feel much more comfortable. If there’s a specific sexual concern that needs specialized treatment, I’ll help you find the right provider.

Why Doesn’t My Partner Initiate Sex Anymore?

There are many possible reasons, so I’d be careful about assuming it means a lack of attraction. Some people rarely feel spontaneous desire but become interested once intimacy has begun. Others stop initiating after repeated rejection because it starts to feel emotionally risky. Stress, resentment, medication, depression, anxiety, body image, hormonal changes, exhaustion, sexual pain, and performance anxiety can all play a part. Sometimes the pattern itself becomes the problem: one person waits to feel pursued, the other waits out of fear of rejection, and eventually both read the silence as disinterest. A great first step is getting curious about what sex and initiation have come to mean for each of you, ideally in a conversation that isn’t happening in the bedroom or in the middle of an argument.

Infidelity, Betrayal And Trust

Infidelity and betrayal come up often in my office, and I go into much more depth on my infidelity recovery therapy page. Here are the questions I hear most.

Can A Relationship Really Recover After Infidelity?

Yes, many can, though not quickly, and not every couple should stay together. Recovery usually means understanding what happened, tending to the injury, and slowly building a relationship that’s more honest than the one before. I go deeper on what that process looks like on my affair recovery page.

What Should We Do In The First Days And Weeks After Discovering An Affair?

Try not to make any big decisions right away. Your nervous system is in overdrive, so the basics matter: sleep when you can, eat, drink water, move your body, and lean on one or two people you trust, or an individual therapist. Be thoughtful about who you tell, since it’s hard to take back once family and friends form opinions. If the affair was sexual, it’s a good idea to talk with a medical provider about sexual health testing. It also helps to agree on a few temporary ground rules, like ending contact with the affair partner and setting a time to talk (with breaks) rather than having the conversation at midnight or in the middle of an argument. If either of you feels unsafe, reach out for help right away, and know that you don’t have to figure out the rest alone.

Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About My Partner’s Affair?

Because your mind is trying to rebuild what’s real and protect you from being blindsided again. Replaying conversations and searching for missed clues is a normal response to betrayal, not a sign that something is wrong with you. With support, the affair gradually takes up less space in your day and in your relationship.

Can Trust Really Come Back After An Affair?

It can, but not because the betrayed partner simply decides to trust again. Trust returns through repeated experiences of honesty, follow-through, and empathy, often for longer than the partner who strayed expects. I write more about rebuilding trust on my affair recovery page.

Should I Ask For Every Detail About The Affair?

You need enough truthful information to feel you’re both living in the same reality again, but graphic details often create images that hurt more than they help. What I steer couples away from is “trickle truth,” where new pieces keep surfacing over time. Together, we can sort out what you truly need to know and why.

Does An Emotional Affair Count As Infidelity?

It can. Every couple draws boundaries in a different place, but what usually makes something a betrayal is secrecy, emotional investment, and the breaking of an agreement the relationship depends on. A helpful gut check is whether you’d be comfortable if your partner saw the messages or knew how much time and emotional energy was going into the connection. And if you’re hurting because of something your partner did, your pain is valid whether or not it fits anyone else’s definition of an affair.

What If I’m The One Who Had The Affair? How Can I Help My Partner Heal?

Start by being honest and staying honest, including answering the same questions more than once without getting defensive. Those questions usually aren’t really about information. They’re a way of asking Am I safe with you now? It also helps to take responsibility without minimizing, explaining it away, or shifting blame onto your partner or the relationship, and to notice the difference between guilt (I did something wrong, which drives repair) and shame (I’m a terrible person, which drives hiding and withdrawal). Give your partner time, since they may need transparency and follow-through long after you feel you’ve shown remorse, and consider individual support to understand your own choices. You’re allowed to have feelings of your own in this process. The work is learning how to have them without asking your partner to take care of them right now.

Will We Ever Feel Close Or Have Good Sex Again After An Affair?

Often, yes, though the timeline is different for every couple. After an affair, sex can carry comparison, triggers, and the feeling of being used, and the betrayed partner may crave closeness one day and feel completely shut down the next. Emotional safety usually has to come first, so we go at the pace of the betrayed partner, talk openly about triggers, and rebuild connection step by step until intimacy feels wanted rather than obligatory. There’s no need to rush it.

What If The Affair Happened Years Ago And We Never Really Dealt With It?

It isn’t too late. Betrayals that were never processed often resurface years later as mistrust, distance, or arguments that seem to come out of nowhere, and many couples are actually better able to talk about an old wound once the crisis has passed.

Staying, Leaving And Relationship Uncertainty

How Do I Know If I Should Stay In My Relationship?

There’s no checklist that can make this decision for you, and I get cautious when anyone tells you, based on limited information, that you absolutely must stay or absolutely must leave. What I’d want to understand is what’s actually happening. Is there still love, respect, emotional safety, and accountability? Is each of you willing to change? Are the same harmful behaviors continuing despite repeated conversations? Do you still want a relationship with this person, or are you mostly afraid of what leaving would mean? Sometimes the answer gets clearer as therapy progresses. My job isn’t to convince you to stay together. It’s to help you see your relationship clearly enough to make a thoughtful decision about what comes next.

What If I Love My Partner But I’m Not Sure I Want To Stay?

These two feelings can absolutely exist at the same time. You can love someone deeply and still question whether the relationship works for you. Uncertainty doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve already emotionally left. You may be exhausted, hurt, resentful, afraid, or simply unsure whether real change is possible. I encourage people not to force certainty before they have it. Couples therapy gives you a place to understand what’s driving the doubt. Sometimes the desire to stay gets clearer as things improve, and other times therapy helps someone recognize that the relationship needs to end. Either outcome deserves thoughtful consideration.

How Do I Know If I Should Stay After My Partner Cheated?

There’s no checklist that can make this decision for you, and you don’t need to know before starting therapy. Right after discovery, emotions are at their highest and clear thinking is at its hardest, so I encourage people not to force certainty before they have it. You can love your partner and feel deeply betrayed by them, and you can want to stay one day and question everything the next. What I’d want to understand is whether there’s still love, respect, and emotional safety, whether your partner is truly accountable, and whether you want this relationship or are mostly afraid of what leaving would mean. My job isn’t to convince you to stay or to leave but to help you see the relationship clearly enough to make a thoughtful decision.

What If One Of Us Wants To Separate And The Other Doesn’t?

This is one of the most painful situations couples bring to therapy. One partner is fighting to save the relationship, the other feels emotionally finished, and every conversation is charged with fear. Traditional couples therapy may not be the best first step when one person is seriously considering leaving. In these situations, discernment counseling can help couples slow the decision down and look honestly at their options. The goal isn’t to pressure the partner who’s leaning out to stay, or to give the partner who’s leaning in false hope. It’s to help you both gain clarity about whether to begin genuine couples therapy or move toward separation.

Is Couples Therapy Supposed To Save Every Relationship?

No, and I want to be clear about that. I care very much about helping couples repair when repair is possible and wanted, but keeping every couple together isn’t how I define success. Sometimes success means two people reconnect and build a healthier relationship. Sometimes it means recognizing the relationship has run its course and helping both people separate with understanding and respect. And sometimes it means one or both partners identify patterns they need to change no matter what happens next. I’d never want a couple to stay together just so therapy could be called successful. The outcome should be whatever is healthiest and most authentic for the two of you.

What Kind Of Couples Therapy Do I Use?

My predominant couples therapy approach is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which helps us understand the attachment needs, vulnerabilities, and emotional cycles underneath conflict. Since writing my doctoral dissertation on the role of early attachments in intimate relationships, I’ve been drawn to this approach, and instead of deciding who’s right or wrong, we work to recognize the pattern the two of you are stuck in and practice responding to each other differently. I also integrate the Gottman Method, especially when couples need practical support with communication, friendship, trust, conflict, and intimacy , and I draw from Relational Life Therapy (RLT) when more direct work around accountability, boundaries, or unhealthy relationship behaviors is needed.

I don’t believe every couple needs exactly the same thing. Some need help communicating differently, others need to repair a major attachment injury, some need to rebuild intimacy, and some need to decide whether the relationship should continue at all. The therapy has to make sense for the couple sitting in front of me.

Still Have A Question About Your Relationship?

If you’ve found yourself asking some of these same questions, you’re not alone. Many of the couples I work with come in feeling confused about what’s happening between them and unsure whether things can really change. Sometimes simply understanding the pattern is an important first step, and from there, we can begin changing it.

I provide couples therapy in person in Los Angeles, with online therapy available to clients in California, New York, Texas, and Florida. I work with couples struggling with communication, emotional disconnection, sex and intimacy, infidelity and betrayal, trust, resentment, major life transitions, and uncertainty about whether to stay together. If you’d like to talk about what’s going on in your relationship and see whether we might be a good fit, you can schedule a free, 15-minute consultation with me. You can also browse my general FAQs or read about fees and insurance.

If you or your partner feel unsafe or are having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 (in the U.S.) or go to your nearest emergency room.